What the Fertility!!?


Follow my journey on the WTFertility Site

I have wanted to be a mom for as long as I can remember. Not the way some girls want to be a mom. Maybe casually after they’ve traveled the world, conquered their fears, achieved dream job status…ya know, when the time is right. Nope. For me, I was ready to have a baby like 15 years ago. So after finally finding my loving, supportive and wonderful husband, Gabe (that too was a bumpy ride) and getting married, we wasted no time trying for a baby. That was more than 2 years ago.

Gabe and I on our honeymoon in Greece two years ago. We thought our family of 2 would turn into a family of 3 very in no time.

Gabe and I on our honeymoon in Greece two years ago. We thought our family of 2 would turn into a family of 3 in no time. We were very wrong.

2 years, 2 miscarriages, 5 rounds of clomid, 1 insemination, 1 round of IVF, countless doctors visits, thousands of dollars, many, many tears and zero babies. That’s just the cliff notes of this painful and emotional journey. And it’s not like we just sat back and prayed for a baby, which of course we did…believe me, we’ve tried everything! I went to an acupuncturist, I juiced day and night, I became a vegetarian briefly, I ate lots of meat for a while, I gave up alcohol, I gave up coffee, I tried herbs and supplements, I stressed, I became zen, I cried, I prayed and a time or two I laughed. I even went to a Mayan Abdominal Therapist?! Have you ever even heard of Mayan Abdominal Therapy?!!? WTF, right? I pretty much did everything I had been told/read about…all that and still no baby.

A sad selfie before one of the many diagnostic test I did to determine WTF is wrong?!

A sad selfie before one of the many diagnostic tests I did to determine WTF is wrong?!

So what’s the problem over here? Why can’t we just get knocked up like the rest of the world? The doctors don’t know. Doctors have run every single test humanly possible on me and I pass every one with flying colors. My body, and my husband’s, for that matter, are perfectly primed for parenthood. I have what’s called “Unexplained Infertility.” Ugh, if I have to hear those words one more time. It basically means that they don’t know what the problem is, therefore cannot fix it. Apparently it is common among couples having difficulty getting pregnant. So we’ve been living in a state of WTF for more than 2 years now and you can’t imagine how difficult it’s been.

It’s so true, when you want to be pregnant it feels like the whole damn world is pregnant but you. All of my best friends, family, co-workers, girls who didn’t want to get pregnant, girls who had been pregnant and were now pregnant a second time, celebs, dog, cats, fish. (Can fish even get pregnant?) Literally everyone is the world was pregnant. Gabe and I felt like we were living in “Babyland” because we couldn’t take one step without seeing a cute little newborn in its mother’s arms, or a toddler on his dad shoulders or a family happily pushing a stroller with triplets down the street. So obviously I am hyper-sensitive about pregnancy, but seriously, give me a break. WTF!? Is there anyone in the universe besides me that can’t get pregnant?

Giving myself one of the many shots as a part of IVF. I've certainly conquered my fear of needles.

Giving myself one of the many shots as a part of IVF. I’ve certainly conquered my fear of needles.

Side bar: Can I just say that anytime a friend told me they were pregnant during my fertility struggle, my first instinct was happiness and then relief. I assume most people thought I was bitter or resentful…why them and not me? But it was the opposite. Because I knew how difficult this journey has been on me, I would never wish it on anyone else. I was so thrilled that they wouldn’t have to deal with the crazy clomid pills or inject themselves with a needle or feel the pain of losing something you never really had. But of course I felt disappointed. Disappointed that yet again I wasn’t also pregnant and that we weren’t going to be on the motherhood train at the same time.

I noticed that throughout this 2-year process I’d been documenting our journey. I guess that’s the journalist in me. I filmed my husband’s reaction when I told him we were pregnant the first time. (Most people do this.) I took pictures just before my 2nd D and C, that’s a miscarriage surgery. (Ugh, definitely a low point.) I even did a tutorial on what it’s like to inject yourself every night with big, scary needles! (Turns out the needles are not as bad as I thought they would be.) One of the most excruciating moments was recently when I filmed our reactions to finding out if the last round of IVF took-it did not. My husband quickly pushed the stop recording button just before my major meltdown. (I didn’t think I’d recover from this one.)

This was 1 1/2 years ago when I told my parents they would be grandparents for the first time! What a happy day it was.

This was 1 1/2 years ago when I told my parents they would be grandparents for the first time! They still have those little onsies ready for a grandbaby.

So now that I’ve documented and I believe it’s time to share. I was reluctant to reveal my story for lots of reasons, as you can imagine. I absolutely love my job as a host/anchor/reporter/goofball/storyteller. I was afraid that if I was honest about my situation, I wouldn’t be able to get a job. Seems silly (or possibly illegal) but the thought has been weighing on me. What station/company would want to hire a gal who was about to blow up like blimp within months of starting an on-air job? I hope someone wants to hire me because I’m me and what I’m dealing with is just a part of life. (And btw, I still really do want to work on-air! I am actively pursing my tv career while I go through this.)

Also, the decision to share was difficult because what I’m revealing is obviously very personal. It’s a journey that only my closest family and a few friends are privy to. It is painful and sad and almost in a way embarrassing. I mean isn’t this the reason women are put on the earth…to create life and I can’t even do it. What kind of woman am I? I hate that I feel that way though. There’s a horrible stigma around fertility and IVF and I’d like to do my part to get rid of it. What is there to be ashamed of?

Post surgery 2 months ago. I remember feeling nervous and excited at the same time.

Pre-surgery 2 months ago. I remember feeling nervous and excited at the same time.

Above all, the reason I am sharing my story is because there are lots of women just like me who struggle with infertility. In fact, 6.7 million women between 15-44 have trouble getting pregnant or carrying a baby to full term. I do find it oddly comforting to know that I’m not alone in my pain, but it still hurts. If I could help even just a handful of the millions of women (and their husbands) going through the same thing, then my struggle will have been worth it. It perhaps could answer the WHY in this whole experience.

I have prayed on this for many months and I feel like it’s time to let you in. The universe is pointing me in this direction and who am I to go against the universe. So I invite you to go along on this journey with me. Share in my joy and my pain; my fears and my heartbreak. I feel completely exposed, and to be honest, quite scared in revealing my “secret”, but I’ve never been one to let fear be in charge.

Currently we are in the middle of round 2 of In Vitro Fertilization or IVF. This process is painful and difficult and scary, but also miraculous and beautiful and at times even funny. So here we goooooo. Eeeeee! (Deep breaths) Feel free to follow along as we continue our journey towards parenthood.

Thanks in advance for your love and support. It means the world to us.



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